Statistics Quotes & Jokes

 

Statistics Quotes & Jokes

 

A

 

A statistician is …

-  someone who insists on being certain about uncertainty – Unknown

-  someone who can draw a mathematically exact line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion – Unknown

-  a person whose lifetime ambition is to be wrong 5 per cent of the time – Unknown

-  someone who doesn’t know what he’s talking about  and make you feel it’s your fault – Unknown *

 

A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live. The doctor advises her to marry a statistician and to live in South Dakota. The woman asks, “Will this cure my illness?” Answer of the doctor, “No, but the half year will seem pretty long” – Unknown *

 

A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine – Unknown *

 

A statistician and the statistician’s wife were marooned on a remote island. When the wife asked how they were going to escape the island and get home, the statistician replied … “Assuming we had a boat…” *

 

 

D

 

Did you know that the great majority of people have more than the average number of legs? It’s obvious really; amongst the 57 million people in Britain there are probably 5,000 people who have got only one leg. Therefore the average number of legs is: ((5000 * 1) + (56,995,000 * 2)) / 57,000,000 =

1.9999123. Since most people have two legs ... – Unknown *

 

 

H

 

Historically, Statistics is no more then State Arithmetic, a system of computation by which differences between individuals are eliminated by the taking of an average. It has been used - indeed, still is used - to enable rulers to know just how far they may safely go in picking the pockets of their subjects –  M.J. Moroney *

 

 

L

 

Legal proceedings are like statistics. If you manipulate them, you can prove anything –  Arthur Hailey *

 

Like dreams, statistics are a form of wish fulfillment – J. Baudrillard *

 

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math – Unknown

 

 

N

 

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted –  Albert Einstein

 

O

 

O dear Ophelia, I am ill at these numbers –  Hamlet, Shakespeare

Old statisticians never die, they just become nonsignificant – Unknown *

 

 

S

 

Statistics are … *

- fiction in its most uninteresting form – Evan Esar

- the science that can prove everything except the usefulness of statistics –  Evan Esar

- the art of lying by means of figures –  William Stekel

- like a bikini - what they reveal is suggestive but what they conceal is vital – Aaron Levenstein

- the straw out of which I, like every other economist, have to make the bricks –  A. Marshall

- yet another mistress to deceive us – Spanish proverb

 

Statistics may be defined as ‘a body of methods for making wise decisions in the face of uncertainty’ – W.A. Wallis

 

T

 

Ten per cent of all car thieves are left-handed. All Polar bears are left-handed. If your car is stolen, there’s a ten per cent chance it was nicked by a Polar bear – Unknown *

 

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics – Benjamin Disraeli

 

There are two kinds of statistics: the kind you look up and the kind you make up –  Rex Stout 

 

Torture numbers, and they'll confess to anything –  Gregg Easterbrook

 

Top ten reasons to become a statistician … *

- deviation is considered normal

- we feel complete and sufficient

- we are “mean” lovers

- statisticians do it discretely and continuously

- we are right 95 per cent of the time

- we can legally comment on someone's posterior distribution

- we may not be normal but we are transformable

- we never have to say we are certain

- we are honestly significantly different

- no one wants our jobs

 

________

* Source: StatisTics, Ed. A.Hermann, Statistics Denmark, 2005 

 

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